It's 02:30 am, and the thought of having to attend school tomorrow tears me up. Not 'cause I don't like school, not 'cause I find it boring, or unfulfilling, but just knowing I have to use every muscle in my body to just be able to open my eyes, and actually drag my body out of bed. If it were up to me, I'd sleep loads and spend most of my days cuddling between the sheets. And the rest I'd spend around my friends (in a very un-sober condition.)
Everything in my life is so fucking bipolar. My mental health, obviously. My relationships, and pretty much every fucking interaction with another human being. Somedays I think about how bloody loved I am, and other days I feel like im utterly alone. I hate myself, then I love myself. CHOOSE ALREADY. I'm desperate for attention, but not willing to actually try getting it. I just take what's given to me, and agree to whatever if it gives me some. Desperately needing to feel something, whether it's good or bad. Lowering myself for other people, giving them a reason to talk down to me. Treat me like trash. Not fighting back.
I hate seeing myself in a surface that reflects my image. A feeling of disgust appears every time, whether I'm laughing or crying. I hate eating, and feeling as tho I look like a 600 lbs person that's trapped in their own house. I hate going to sleep alone, and I hate having to get out of bed. I hate that things isn't that bad, but it's not good either. I hate being between places, between happiness and depression. Just getting a little taste of both sides for about an hour everyday. I don't want this. Nor do I not want this.
Note to self: Get bigger dosage of prozac. Eventually.
I will only complicate you. Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you. I will chew it up and leave.
I will work to elevate you, just enough to bring you down."
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